I can finally speak or breathe either/or

Today unlike yesterday, has begun in a different note. I was awoken by my beautiful little girl Tara giving me a lovely kiss on my cheek and whispering 'mummy I love you'. What more would you want out of an early morning wake up call.

I want to take back the negative cloud that hung over yesterday's post, but I still cant seem to shake how asking for forgiveness over a few unnecessary words is going to be a task bigger then I expected. Im sorry again for having a bad day and taking it out on you.. Unfortunately there is no big mental underlying problem with the day I had yesterday, it was just day that went bad from the start.

But anyway she smiling today.

Big bear hugs and sloppy kisses

Nic xxx

Im Sorry...

I cant believe you wake up one day, everything is normal. You wake up the next and realise that the normal day that you have convinced was normal was really empty mockery of your existence.... That's me today.....

I was terribly sarcastic to the point of being mean to my best friend in the world, a person who I love to death only hours ago. I somewhat snapped at him and because he was having a fantastic day at the moment, made me feel that im having an even worse day then I predicted. Im awful, Im a bitch and very selfish and Im sorry.

Its wonderful that your feeling better, Im so sorry.. Please forgive me.

Im feeling so alone and even though I don't want to be bitter about it, unfortunately you cant help not feeling that way. I need a distraction, something to explode in front of me just to keep me interested for half a second..

Why is the people I need the most, never here.

I need you here, I need to laugh ,
I need to feel safe and comfortable to be able to sleep at night instead of crying to make myself sleep.

Anyway It doesn't matter, Nicole will eventually get over it and life will revolve as normal.

Yes..No.. I don't know.. figure it out.. geeze

What do you do? Where do you go? What is your name? What seems to be the problem? Are you looking for something? Can I help you? Can you help yourself? ... Come on people dont make yourself look as silly as you sound!!

Boring senseless questions seem to fill my day today, blank faces coming and going with no real insight to what they want. Endless unbalance of friendly painful smiles and unhappy frowns.

I feel like Im stuck in a rut, running around in circles everyday. I hate it. I hate when I need something or someone their never there or Im caught up. Its happening more and more that Im becoming invisiable to people, overlooked or push aside.... forgotten...

Oh well this is life...

Nic xx

Control..

This is the goodbye, the final goodbye,
your ghostly shadow will haunt me no more.
The pain in my heart, has turned to a bad taste in my mouth,
Its over, a 15 year ache has finally ceased.

Your face has made me realise,
that the past was based on a fairytale,
the white picket fence is still there,
but im standing, smiling with someone new.

I feel happy, I am happy.

There is nothing left to say,
but with a smile on my face, I nod to acknowledge you,
with my head held high,
I walk away from you, our past, the distant memories.

I've been saved by myself, for the first time in my life.

I'm in control, I've taken over!