Cursed..

I took it off today, for the first time.. The little silver ring of you that has graced my finger for the last few months. I didn't take it off for any particular reason, just because it was hot and my hands were feeling like balloons.. But moments after I did things started to go wrong, probably coincidence, glasses were dropped, I banged my knee on the table, cut my finger while making lunch and last but not least I washed something blue with the whites and now all the clothes blend into the sky. I know you were behind it and from now on it will stay put on my finger where it should be.

Ouch

Whoa what a night.. I haven't had a bender like I did last night in a long long time... aghhh.. I think I drank enough to fill a swimming pool, I have sore feet from dancing alnight and got in to a few situations with work colleagues that was hardly professional... hahaha.. Oh well, it was a great night, and especially when your out celebrating Christmas. Im going to put some pictures on for my last few posts for 2005 and then Im out of here for a little bit, but before I finish this I need to tell some people how much I appreciate them so here I go: Tara and Alyssa (my beautiful little girls) My angels, you two are growing up way too fast! Mummy loves you! Kellie (my big sis) So strong, so brave, I pray for you every day kell, that this awful disease leaves you.. You will be a beautiful March bride and next year will work out perfectly for you, promise. Chris (aka ando, aka trev hahaha) The little brother I never wanted! hahaha, Your the best trev, Fantastic night last night you pisshead but hey at least you did it with a Santa suit on... hahaha.. Michael (my best friend) I love you to death Mick, through thick and thin your always there... your my rock. Michelle (good friend) Thankyou for all your help and support this year, good luck on Monday. Mum and Dad ( I didnt forget you two) The coolest people in the world.. Love you Doug (Canadian rock star turned thespian) Good luck with your new found love for life, enjoy the ride. You know where to find me if you need me. I know there are so many more people that I haven't named, you are all so special to me and thankyou for all the support through out the year!! Thank you to all of you who have left comments, Its great that my circle of blogging friends is growing rapidly and I look forward to telling more tales of Nicole in 2006. Big hugs Nicole xxx

Goodbye.. See you later.....

I've had enough, I'm tired and grumpy and life in 2005 officially sucks.

Maybe I should stop blogging until 2006.. Maybe ill give up everything until 2006!

Aghhh! I wish I was a linguist, then I could say goodbye to it in a hundred different languages...

See you 2005, what a fucked year you were, thanks for making the people around me go weird and complicated, thankyou for all the suffering, and most of all for darkening my life where it should be light and airy full of love and joy.. and 2005 if you were wondering, I was being sarcastic.. pfft.

Cheers

Finding my way home..

I feel so lost, Ive strayed away and I can seem to find my way out. Trapped under the barrier that has been put up by you. Im stuck in my thoughts, scared to break free. You have make things gray the sky is falling and there is no escape. Mirages haunt me, twisting paths with no end, shadows that lurk around me. Im closed, locked away, its suffocating, Im screaming your not listening. that's right your not listening your covering your ears again, The truth hurts, unlike the lies you have told which made you feel big and made me feel small. I feel so dirty because of you, Im washing and its not coming clean, It never will come clean, why did do this, why didn't I see this coming, why am I telling you this, torn between you and nowhere, no where is an option im taking, Lead me to self discovery, wipe my memories of you so I don't remember anymore, there is no love, no passion, no you. Cover those ears, I don't care anymore, I don't care since you broke my spirit, toyed with my heart and stole my faith, no more, your gone, even with those hands over your ears you heard me loud and clear, your gone, No goodbyes because they turn to hello's, blank finish Im done................. Now before you think Nicole has total wigged out, you can be reassured that I haven't.. There are times that you want to release all that built up passive aggressive energy, and I find that venting it in a remembered way like blogging actually helps me reflect and revisit down the track that things are ok, work ok and life in general is ok and also Im not having that baggage to take around with me. One last thing, I know Doug you will be reading this and assume in some way this has something to do with you, it doesn't, not one part has your name hiding behind it, promise.. all smiles xxxx. I feel so better now.. I fixed my thoughts and now Im off to the gym to fix the other parts of me.. agghhh.. Ciao! Nic xxx

Yet again another post....

Im really flogging my page to death lately, but I have a hundred and one things to say about absoultly nothing, but I still insist plodding on. My little girl had her Christmas concert today, it was the most adorable thing you have ever seen. 25 little 4 and 5 year olds singing and dancing to Christmas carols. God it so warmed my heart seeing my little girl up there, so proud of herself.. I will post a couple of pics soon. Well I think Ive run out of puff for tonight, but as my new found love of talking goes no doubt you will see me soon. Ciao Nic

Wipe your mouth your dribbling....

Why cant life be black and white? Cut and dry?

I'm not really in one of those rollercoaster moments where one day Im up and the next day Im down, but to be totally honest Im bored being in that gray area where anything goes..

I'm still feeling good and positive, but as per usual I want more. I guess that's human instinct.

Here comes the issue....wait for it, wait for it:

If somebody wants something, why do I need to be told an epic tale and then after they are finished why am I still confused on what they wanted in the first place?

Blurt it out people... Make it quick, really what's the worst thing I could say?

Oh well..

Smiles all around.

Nic xxx

Reflection is only a step...

Indeed it is.. We all need those mighty steps to fix the unraveled mess and to set a clear path to move forward. Im slowly warming up to the fact that things can get better with a little reflection, learning from those hard to swallow situations and regardless of how strong you think that you are sometimes you need a little guidance to see the bigger picture. It makes me wonder if we had a book of our lives from start to end, realistically would you want to change it? Even sadness and pain eventually brings knowledge and awareness, the ability to be come strong and stable. I must admit a bottle of white out would come in handy for those unspeakable moments.. aghhh. 2005 has been dogged repeatedly through my blog, and there is no two ways about it, its a cursed year! But with the end insight the mood is changing for the better and the mood of others has greatly increased, people are starting to smile, lives are moving in a more positive path and those I love who have been suffering are fighting back with both fists in the air. Im loving the way I feel right in this moment of time (mind you it is 330am) Im buzzing... I don't know if it because I've gone into hyperdrive being overtired or if it was a welcomed phone call that went for hours but could have lasted forever... Well I could spin stories for hours but I think I have bored you enough.. Its on the up and up.. Jump on for the ride I have reserved extra seats!! Nic xxx

More beautiful poetry by Raven

Picture Perfect (www.ravensrants.com) What the Hell happened to me? When did I go from someone who was so mighty so strong and fade into the person I am today? I used to know how to smile for God's sake but somehow I forgot and I haven't remembered for some time now.. The simple things that once brought me joyhave all been turned into guilty pleasures and all the memories that made me smile are now too faded to enjoyI've gone from being a person whole and complete to being someone trapped within his own mind a prisoner of my feelings How can I run away when I don't have the heart to stand? How can I fight this when I can't rouse the energy to care You've won I'm a slave now I hope you're happy You've caged the birdand grounded him for life You conquered mescorched medestroyed me and now you have me on display like a picture just an image of what once was flat, motionless but easy to hold and ownI hope you enjoy your picture my dear I'm sure you have me in a nice frame. How much patience did it take to cage me in? It doesn't matter You've won either way It's all over You own me, place me on your shelf and point me out to your friends.It's my role now my job.I now just live to pleaseand if I broke free I would surely die So use me, trash me, trade me I don't care anymore A heart can't beat within a frame and you can't have a soul in 2-D That's just the way it is and the way it always shall be.

It Continues....

Why does everything have to be so cryptic? Who took away our rights and inhibitions to express ourselves freely? When I want to say something why does it feel like someone is gagging me for silence? 'I can see you, the stars are shining' As I read through my previous posts, I realised that Im the creator of my own grief, torturing myself by over thinking and under doing, and unfortunately I don't know how to fix that. ' I love you can I keep you?' I think I don't need to give up caring as my previous post indicated, I think I need to focus on what is true and what is fake, I need to take a step back and tell the people that are so special to me that I appreciate them and how much they mean to me, be absolutely selfless, which would be nice because I feel like im drowning in my own selfishness lately. 'I hate the way I feel tonight' Hopefully someone might hear my plea, un-jumble the mixed up mess that's inside my head... I ask do the finer things in life always become dull? Do you say a word or do you stay silent? Do you dare step back into the ring of a defeated fight and try to fight back?Do you listen to everything or do you only hear what you want to hear? ' Please don't apologise, you have nothing to be sorry for' What to say, what to say??? I have dribbled on like an incoherent buffoon tonight and when you scroll back through it I really did say much at all. I must admit though, I feel a little better (as she sighs**) In times of need, through the pain, through the sadness I will be there, I have always been there... I love you and no one will silence me, you know who you are.... Cheers Nic xxx

Hi, Im Nicole your welcome mat.... Please wipe your feet on the way in.

I wonder if it is just me or is the world spiraling out of control at the moment, or is it just my world?
Ive decided to give up faith in Karma. Its official I little to no faith in anything due to being screwed by the system.

I hate the fact that you put yourself out there and the the only thing useful is that you can be used as a door mat. Picking up everyone's emotional garbage, scrounging through it just to give back a little advise only to be not taken or not noticed. Im sick of it, Im angry and most of all its playing on my patience so I feel like im going to give up caring.

If you are wondering, this spurt of anger isn't aimed at one thing or person, its pretty much everything to date..

Oh well Im sure Ill get over it.. Hey we are all forced to eventually.... thankyou for listening to my little tantrum.

Ciao... Nic

Where Are You Now?

Sometimes I think of you
and wonder where you are
and if you think of me on lonely nights
or dream about me when there's nothing left to dream
I don't expect you to miss me
and I know the phone will never ring
with your voice hanging on the other line
but I have to know
if I'm in your thoughts
or if you forgot about me
like you promised you never would
I can't bear the thought
of what we shared
being nothing than a footnote
in a forgotten chapter of your life
and even though I only think of you
during the loneliest hours of the night
Part of me is still hoping
that you're thinking of me
when I'm busy not thinking of you
So shed not a tear for what we lost
nor heave a sigh for what could have been
Just let me grace your thoughts
when the night hangs long and low
and everything will be right when we awake
in the worlds we've created
in the many years we've been apart
- Raven